An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 2

A collection of some of the things she said to me when they were still good:


You do get impatient sometimes, and way ahead of yourself. It's one of my favorite things about you. I enjoy watching you get excited and letting your mind take you places.

As far as us goes, it catches me off guard sometimes that I'm really this happy and I'm not trying to be. I never had that, or expected to.

I love that about you though. You just do things. I research EVERYTHING.

You're so romantic. I think that's the biggest way you offset me. It's nice because you bring that side out in me.

as if I could possible keep my hands off you. You have so much to learn! hah

And I pretty much bailed on matt as soon as I found out you'd written I live to read your work, as it happens.

You are creepy in the sweetest way and I love it.

But honestly I don't think you realize how talented you are. Yes. I mean I know you realize you have talent, but what you write amazes me.

I love you so much I don't know how to put it into words.

I think if there was a word for it, hearing it would be the same as staring into the sun. It's better to just be comforted by the warmth.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 1

Most reoccuring dream # 1


(written about Ana)


We're sitting in the 101 Coffee Shop, the girl from my dreams whom I've never met. I know everything about her, though I've never touched her in the waking world. She's wearing her favorite jeans. The hood of her sweatsheart is pulled down, shrouding her face in darkness. One hand supporting her forehead, the other absentmindedly stirring the eggs that make her sick, but eats anyway. She lets out a heavy sigh which shakes the table when it lands.

"You're just so intense sometimes." She tells me in a cracked whisper. "You're so bright you burn."

"I don't understand."

She winces involuntarily, because she knows the truth is going to hurt. "Don't you think this is all moving a little too fast?"

"This is what you told me you wanted."

"Maybe I don't know what I want. Maybe you were right."

"Look. Don't do this. Please."

"Don't beg, ok? We're in public." She chides me like an unruly child. Then her voice becomes quiet and her words laced with venom. "You come off way too strong, ok? You moved way to fast. You're so sweet it makes me want to vomit. Okay? Are you happy?"

The alarm clock never seems able to penetrate the walls of this dream until long after its completion.

I guess I should have seen that coming (Reader's discretion is advised)

I'm still not entirely sure what it was which compelled me to do it, but I did.  I've thought about it constantly for a good while now, and though I knew no good would come from this course of action, I did it anyway.  Tonight I read Ana's blog.

I'm not sure what it was I was hoping to get from her words, I've been told she hated me and I guess I was trying to find some sort of sign as to why.  Well, I got it and here's what she wrote.

I also want to say, Ben, if you're reading this and blaming yourself so you can have more fuel for the self pity fest I'm sure you've been throwing yourself since you got back to Texas, stop reading it. You really are a piece of shit. My bad day I'm having that is causing me to write this post has nothing to do with you, nor does any other aspect of my life. And you're a real loser, and you need to just pull out your tampon and move on with your life. You were a dick. You ruined our relationship. Get the fuck over it. I did. And hey, maybe you're not even reading this. Maybe you're not crying all the time and imagining some world where you and I can be together if you could just change what you did or some bullshit. That would be awesome. But in case you are reading this, there you have it. Stay out of my life and fucking live yours for once.

It honestly left me speechless, though that has since subsided.  Ever since the breakup I've only posted pieces which spoke (pretty) favorably of you.  I've never lashed out against you in a public forum and I guess asking you to do the same would be too much.  Though, lying is what got us into this mess, so allow me to be honest with you for the first time since I moved to Tennessee.

You're right, I probably was a dick, but this is only because you were a miserable fucking cunt who sucked every scrap of joy I had left.  I was miserable with you and you never once seemed to care.  All those times I was taking out the trash or walking Vicious; it was because I was trying to get away from you.  Oh, and I to smoke because being around you stressed me out so much I didn't know what else to do.  I was honest with you about everything before I moved and the second I got there you fucking changed and expected me to do the same.  When I couldn't fit into this mold you wanted of me you began to lash out.  I had absolutely no sense of self worth by the time you were done with me that I probably was a loser.  More than that, though, I was broken the fuck down and I'm glad you ended us.  I was more upset about having to go back to Texas than never seeing you again.

At first, sure, I mourned the end of us.  I thought I missed you, but the truth is I only missed the person I thought you were.  She, however, never existed.  Again, yes, I did feel sorry for myself, but how dare you make fun of me for that.  Bitch, you have absolutely no idea what the fuck I've been through BECAUSE OF YOU.  I guess for you to be able to see this it would require you to have a heart, but we both know that's not exactly going to happen.  You're cold, mentally abusive and one of the most despondent people I have ever known.  So, as for that world where we could still be together, no thanks.  I've been to that Hell once and didn't find it enjoyable.

The only reason I even went to your blog was because I truly hoped you were doing okay.  I wanted you to fix all the fucking issues you so clearly have and maybe find a sense of peace.  Now, I'm going to go back to living my life, which has improved greatly just from you not being a part of it.

Yes, I've created another blog.

This one houses all my songs and works of fiction.  Check it and enjoy.


Lyrics and Fabrications

Also, please, buy my fucking book.  There's a link to the right of the screen for both Kindle and Nook.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I need this.

An open letter to the biggest piece of shit I've yet to have the displeasure of meeting.

Stephen,

Hey guy, how's it going?  I know quite a bit about you, which puts you at an unfair advantage.  Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Davlin and I've known your wife longer than you have.  Now, granted, most of that time was spent apart and she was with you, but I know her better than you could ever hope to.  Ever since we reconnected back in the beginning of February there hasn't been a day without us speaking in one form or another.  All those times you made her cry, I was the one putting a smile on her face.  Every time you drove her to hurt herself, I was the one who quelled the tears and brought her back from the edge.  Whenever you would tear her down with your abuse, I'm the one who was building her back up.  When you refused to pay attention to your son, I was the one talking to him on the phone and playing games with him.  I am the man who will give them both what they deserve, which is more than you've ever thought about doing.

That's who the fuck I am.

A few nights ago you sent me three text messages and I held back from responding to them at her request.  Here's what you sent, along with my responses to each.

What the hell are you doing with my wife?

When you sent me that message I was sitting in the passenger seat of her car, holding her.  She was so far gone by the time she got to my place because of the horrible things you said to her.  I had her in my arms and I dried her tears, while telling her how beautiful and amazing she is in order for her to calm down.  In short, I was being compassionate, asshole.  You should really try it sometime.

Do you really not have any respect for people?

I have respect for many people, but I feel that's something which should be earned.  When it comes to an emotionally distant, physically and emotionally abusive piece of shit who does nothing but make the woman I love cry?  Sorry, but no.  I don't have any respect for you.

You got the balls to try and steal someone else's wife, but too scared to reply back?

 In the spirit of staying honest, I was terrified to reply back.  This wasn't because I was scared to confront you, believe me, there's nothing I want more.  I was afraid you were going to hurt her again because you lost your temper.  This is the difference between you and me, I actually put other people first.  She asked me not to respond, so I kept my cool because her safety is more important than my ego.  Also, for the record, my balls are huge and I haven't tried anything.  Motherfucker, I succeeded.

Now, we're probably reaching the point of no return and a physical conflict is quickly becoming unavoidable.  A few things you should probably consider.

1. I've never had a physical altercation in my adult life.
2. I weigh 132 lbs.
3. I lack the combat experience you've gained from beating up women so you do have that in your favor.

Despite those three points against me, I'm not scared of you in the slightest.  Regardless of the outcome of this hypothetical bout, it doesn't change the fact that I can give your wife and son everything you've never been able to.  Enjoy the scavenger hunt you have planned for her tomorrow.  I'm sure walking her through the four years of Hell you've put her through won't blow up in your face at all.  It's a great idea, really.  In fact I look forward to hearing all about it afterward.  It's been a rough couple of days, I could use a hearty laugh.  And on the bright side, once she comes to me and is happier than she ever was on her best day with you, you'll have all the time in the world to play your precious video games.

A far better man than you'll ever be,
Davlin

Achievement unlocked!
Steal the love of your life from an abusive and selfish piece of shit 

Impasse

My life often tends to be story like in nature. When I look back I can see a rich tapestry woven of parables, symmetries, plot lines which had to have been scripted well beforehand as well as a loose thread or two. I used to think I saw things this way because I was a writer, but now I'm starting to wonder if I became one in order to make sense of it all. I'd once written about the fallacies regarding fate and soul mates and even went on to mock those who believed in such nonsense.



I now realize I couldn't have been more wrong.



For years I'd viewed events of my life through such a narrow lens that only the immediate present was visible. I ran from my past while ignoring the lessons they have always tried to impart and the future was something I never imagined myself even living long enough to see. Recent events, however, have swapped needle thin lens out for a panoramic view and I'm finally able to take in the big picture. It's nothing short of staggering.



The first act has already been released (out now for Kindle and Nook!) and in a month's time I've sold a whopping six copies. Don't get me wrong, there's a very big part of me which jumps for joy for each and every one of them, but I've got big plans for my professional and personal life and, quite frankly, this isn't even fucking close to cutting it. Every attempt I've made to get my name out there has been left with a response that's left me somewhat crestfallen. Though I do want to truly thank each and every one of you who have bought my first and/or helped me spread the word; it's just nowhere near enough.



The second is still waiting on a publisher or financial backer brave enough to take the risk of releasing the most interactive and revolutionary story ever told. I'm cautious to talk about it because I really don't want to spoil the surprise. Trust me, it's best if you discover its secrets the way I've originally intended. This brings me to something of an impasse regarding the third.



For you see, it's still being written and sharing any of it with you right now would not only steal a little of Act II's magic, but also annihilate all of the promotional plans I have regarding its release. It's with this in mind that I have decided to take a step back from publicly posting every single thing the instant I finish. I've started another, secret blog to be shared with a select few in order to have all of my newer posts read and public releases will be kept to a bare minimum until I finally reach the Holy Grail of successful publication. I've given myself freely to everyone for almost three and a half years now and I just can't do it this way anymore. If you've been following my work for any span of time I promise you've yet to see the best of what I can do and you're not going to until I'm finally able to make a career out of my passion, my art.



That first taste is always free, my friends. Sooner or later you've gotta pay.

The words in which I found strength were not my own.

Before you say anything, I'm well aware I've been here before. Yes, it was only just a year ago when I was formulating the same plans. Only, now I've got even less money and resouces as well as an extra 400 miles in which I'll have to travel in order to make this happen. You can throw the fact that last time I tried this it failed miserably back into my face if you must, but, honestly, I've stopped living my life based on what everyone else thinks I should do.

"I want you to know I do my best to be everything you need me to be.  I will always support your dreams and help make them happen. I will do my best to never hurt you or let you down. I love you, Ben."

Regardless of how things might have ended with the last one six months ago and how stupid I realize some of the things I said this time last year were, I know this is what I want. But, like everything else in my life, it's just so fucking complicated. Besides, she kinda said it best herself.

"I don't see how any girl would let you go."

At the beginning of last month I was at the end of my rope and for the first time in years I sat down with tears in my eyes and prayed. I asked God to show me there were still reasons for me to stick around and life truly worth living. Not long after, I received this message from an ex out of the blue on facebook.

"I don't know if you remember me or not.  I was a friend on Kat and Johnathan's.  You and I dated for a little while. And I want to apologize for being a bitch.  I'm not sure exactly how things ended but I blame myself. And, I want to say I'm sorry.
I hope you are well. Please write me back."

We started talking on February 11th and all of a sudden...I no longer felt like dying. Within moments I promised her I wasn't going anywhere this time and I meant every word. So, I stayed and we caught up. All those old feelings had remained buried and, once they resurfaced everything started to make sense. I was falling for her all over again.

"Ben, you mean the world to me. I want you to know that. You are everything I want in a man. I’ve very grateful you forgive me for making the biggest mistake of my life which was leaving you. I’m so lucky to have my soulmate in my life. I love you, sweetpea, more and more everyday. You make me want to be a better, stronger person."

We continued to talk and then at midnight on Valentine's day I decided not to follow through with my original plan and instead sat down and wrote Evidence of Angels. I called her up later that day and read it to her. Now, I mentioned earlier that this situation is complicated, but I'm very hesitant to get into too many details, because that is not my story to tell. I'll just say instead that things are extremely rough for us both right now. Add to it the fact that the one we want to be with is half a country away and it makes some days a real struggle to get through. For instance, every once in awhile I'll get a message like this one.

"I'm crying because I want you Ben."

And there's not a damn thing I can do, except be as sweet as I possibly can to her and hope it helps to ease her anguish. It feels, however, that mere words are starting to lose their effect and I just wish I could be there to kiss her tears away.

"You are my soulmate and knight in shining armor I’ve wanted my whole life."

It just really fucking sucks most days. As also previously mentioned, I've made things harder on myself by leaving for TN last year. Live and learn, though. Since I've lost my car and only work 24 hours a week, this leaves no money to put back and barely enough to survive. I've put my first book on sale at both Amazon and Barnes and Noble in the hopes of getting enough sold in order to make yet another journey out of state to be with her. She deserves to be loved and appreciated, which is something I plan on doing forever if I can just make it there. Until this happens, though, we still have our words.

"Ben, I want you to know I love you with all my heart and will do anything for you.
I will support you in every way. I will make sure you are happy everyday. I will take care of you. I love you more than I have ever loved another before…You are my heart, my soul, my better half, my love."