Before you say anything, I'm well aware I've been here before. Yes, it was only just a year ago when I was formulating the same plans. Only, now I've got even less money and resouces as well as an extra 400 miles in which I'll have to travel in order to make this happen. You can throw the fact that last time I tried this it failed miserably back into my face if you must, but, honestly, I've stopped living my life based on what everyone else thinks I should do.
Regardless of how things might have ended with the last one six months ago and how stupid I realize some of the things I said this time last year were, I know this is what I want. But, like everything else in my life, it's just so fucking complicated. Besides, she kinda said it best herself.
At the beginning of last month I was at the end of my rope and for the first time in years I sat down with tears in my eyes and prayed. I asked God to show me there were still reasons for me to stick around and life truly worth living. Not long after, I received this message from an ex out of the blue on facebook.
We started talking on February 11th and all of a sudden...I no longer felt like dying. Within moments I promised her I wasn't going anywhere this time and I meant every word. So, I stayed and we caught up. All those old feelings had remained buried and, once they resurfaced everything started to make sense. I was falling for her all over again.
We continued to talk and then at midnight on Valentine's day I decided not to follow through with my original plan and instead sat down and wrote Evidence of Angels. I called her up later that day and read it to her. Now, I mentioned earlier that this situation is complicated, but I'm very hesitant to get into too many details, because that is not my story to tell. I'll just say instead that things are extremely rough for us both right now. Add to it the fact that the one we want to be with is half a country away and it makes some days a real struggle to get through. For instance, every once in awhile I'll get a message like this one.
And there's not a damn thing I can do, except be as sweet as I possibly can to her and hope it helps to ease her anguish. It feels, however, that mere words are starting to lose their effect and I just wish I could be there to kiss her tears away.
It just really fucking sucks most days. As also previously mentioned, I've made things harder on myself by leaving for TN last year. Live and learn, though. Since I've lost my car and only work 24 hours a week, this leaves no money to put back and barely enough to survive. I've put my first book on sale at both Amazon and Barnes and Noble in the hopes of getting enough sold in order to make yet another journey out of state to be with her. She deserves to be loved and appreciated, which is something I plan on doing forever if I can just make it there. Until this happens, though, we still have our words.
"I want you to know I do my best to be everything you need me to be. I will always support your dreams and help make them happen. I will do my best to never hurt you or let you down. I love you, Ben."
Regardless of how things might have ended with the last one six months ago and how stupid I realize some of the things I said this time last year were, I know this is what I want. But, like everything else in my life, it's just so fucking complicated. Besides, she kinda said it best herself.
"I don't see how any girl would let you go."
At the beginning of last month I was at the end of my rope and for the first time in years I sat down with tears in my eyes and prayed. I asked God to show me there were still reasons for me to stick around and life truly worth living. Not long after, I received this message from an ex out of the blue on facebook.
"I don't know if you remember me or not. I was a friend on Kat and Johnathan's. You and I dated for a little while. And I want to apologize for being a bitch. I'm not sure exactly how things ended but I blame myself. And, I want to say I'm sorry.
I hope you are well. Please write me back."
We started talking on February 11th and all of a sudden...I no longer felt like dying. Within moments I promised her I wasn't going anywhere this time and I meant every word. So, I stayed and we caught up. All those old feelings had remained buried and, once they resurfaced everything started to make sense. I was falling for her all over again.
"Ben, you mean the world to me. I want you to know that. You are everything I want in a man. I’ve very grateful you forgive me for making the biggest mistake of my life which was leaving you. I’m so lucky to have my soulmate in my life. I love you, sweetpea, more and more everyday. You make me want to be a better, stronger person."
We continued to talk and then at midnight on Valentine's day I decided not to follow through with my original plan and instead sat down and wrote Evidence of Angels. I called her up later that day and read it to her. Now, I mentioned earlier that this situation is complicated, but I'm very hesitant to get into too many details, because that is not my story to tell. I'll just say instead that things are extremely rough for us both right now. Add to it the fact that the one we want to be with is half a country away and it makes some days a real struggle to get through. For instance, every once in awhile I'll get a message like this one.
"I'm crying because I want you Ben."
And there's not a damn thing I can do, except be as sweet as I possibly can to her and hope it helps to ease her anguish. It feels, however, that mere words are starting to lose their effect and I just wish I could be there to kiss her tears away.
"You are my soulmate and knight in shining armor I’ve wanted my whole life."
It just really fucking sucks most days. As also previously mentioned, I've made things harder on myself by leaving for TN last year. Live and learn, though. Since I've lost my car and only work 24 hours a week, this leaves no money to put back and barely enough to survive. I've put my first book on sale at both Amazon and Barnes and Noble in the hopes of getting enough sold in order to make yet another journey out of state to be with her. She deserves to be loved and appreciated, which is something I plan on doing forever if I can just make it there. Until this happens, though, we still have our words.
"Ben, I want you to know I love you with all my heart and will do anything for you.
I will support you in every way. I will make sure you are happy everyday. I will take care of you. I love you more than I have ever loved another before…You are my heart, my soul, my better half, my love."
