Signal Fire-Snow Patrol
I was on tumblr for less than two weeks when I found her blog by searching tags for a word I still hate to say aloud. I read her story and was taken aback by the dignity, poise and utter fucking bravery with which she tackled the subject. I submitted a piece which spoke a little of my experience and she posted it shortly thereafter. She even wrote an extra P.S. which ended with, "just imagine I'm holding you real tight, yeah?"
I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but instantly I was smitten.
I followed it along with her personal blog and every time her face graced my dashboard the infatuation dug in a little bit deeper. At the time I was wrapped up in an exceedingly unhealthy relationship, so I just creepily admired her from afar. Thankfully, before long it ended and almost immediately after I struck up another courtship which, while short lived, was nowhere near as tragic.
It was about this time I discovered she had started seeing a guy and, while I was happy for her, I couldn't help but fill a bitter sting of jealousy. A few months later I was perusing her blog only to discover it had ended with him. I'd wanted to try and contact her, offer some sort of commiseration, but I didn't think it seemed right. I barely knew her and didn't want to seem like I was just trying to capitalize on her vulnerability.
A few weeks ago things got bad for me and my blog was filled with morose pieces. It was during this time she sent a message asking if everything was alright. I was not in a very positive place, so I opted not to respond because I didn't want to bitch about my problems or let the girl I'd been crushing on for so long to see me at my worst. Soon after I was on a plane back for Texas in order to try and get myself right.
So it goes.
The next week and change was spent seeing family and dealing with this through intense writing sessions. Last Saturday after I'd gotten back from volunteering at the nursing home I sat down with my mic and recorded a piece I'd been planning for almost a year. Once it was posted I felt revitalized in a way only creating some truly worthwhile can bring. Bolstered by this sudden onset of confidence I decided to finally respond to her message. We talked longer than we had before, but tumblr's mail system is frustrating and took our conversation to gchat. I was up for over forty hours by the time we sent our hellos, but I'd have been damned if I was going to let something like sleep deprivation keep me from getting to know this lovely young woman.
The conversation came easy and went from light to more serious affairs. She told me about immigrating to the US as well as her childhood, all the while I hung on every word. I then went into details about my life I don't offer so readily through conversations. Then the amazing happened; she listened and understood. Toward the end things got flirtatious, but I tried to keep my cool and not take it too seriously. When we said goodnight I was left with a smile and sleep came easily.
After I awoke and waited the time necessary to not come off quite as anxious to talk to her as was the case; I signed on, said hello and conversation picked right back up where we left off. Over the next several hours we spoke about relationships, family, dreams, passion, religion and everything in between. I again showed more courage than I thought myself capable of and gave her my number.
She called it instantly.
The sound of her voice caused my breath to catch in my throat and I still haven't gotten it back. The conversation lasted eight hours and I was astonished by just how wonderful this woman is. She was patient and I spoke and always kept me laughing. I'd admitted to the long standing crush I'd had on her and in a surprising turn of events she reciprocated. Towards the end of the night the conversation took a turn towards the hot and heavy, but she stopped it so as to not rush things too much. I understood, told her as much and didn't bring it up again. It finally reached the point where she could no longer fight back the sleep which weighed heavy on her lids and had to retire. I layed in bed with my mind reeling with every word spoken between us and sleep did not call me as it did her.
It was before the sun rose when she called me and recanted the withdrawal she'd made the night before and the which passed her lips lit this fire within I'd thought had long been snuffed out. The breathiness of her vocables, mixed with the moans and the exuberance with which she came formed the sweetest symphony I'd ever heard.
The next several days were filled with more conversations, revelations and early morning passions. I've gotten to know her in more ways than I'd ever dreamed possible and I like everything I see. She's not perfect, but it's becoming apparent the flaws either mirror my own, or compliment them in some strange fashion. She claims she's a hot mess, I maintain she's only half right. I've spent my dating life trying to find what it is I was in a partner. At most they'd have two or three qualities and the negatives never outweighed them. She's different. All the important checks have been marked and the cons never even come close to making me look twice.
I can even pin point the exact moment where I fell into another four letter word which I know I shouldn't bring myself to say and it really doesn't matter, because it wouldn't convey the true depths of it anyway. It was during one of our late night phone sessions and I just sat in relative silence as she shared her writings with me. Then, one particularly heartbreaking one past through the headset and that was all it took. It also didn't hurt that the talent with which she told it made me feel like an amateur by comparison.
It's not, however, easy at times; what with the distance and no idea how to close it with the current situation in which I find myself. Sometimes after we hang up for the night I'll find myself riddled with the doubts which tell me there's no way someone so beautiful, amazing, funny, sweet and smart will ever find anything in me worth sticking it out for, but I'm tired of listening to that voice. I've learned by now it doesn't have my best intentions at heart.
And now I'm sitting here while talking with her on gchat. I'm not sure what the future is going to hold and at times this does make me feel uneasy. However, I'm tired of doubts holding me back from trying to go after things I want in this life. And I want to see where this takes me, no matter where the road may lead. I'm in.
So it goes.
Anything for you-Ludo
I was on tumblr for less than two weeks when I found her blog by searching tags for a word I still hate to say aloud. I read her story and was taken aback by the dignity, poise and utter fucking bravery with which she tackled the subject. I submitted a piece which spoke a little of my experience and she posted it shortly thereafter. She even wrote an extra P.S. which ended with, "just imagine I'm holding you real tight, yeah?"
I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but instantly I was smitten.
I followed it along with her personal blog and every time her face graced my dashboard the infatuation dug in a little bit deeper. At the time I was wrapped up in an exceedingly unhealthy relationship, so I just creepily admired her from afar. Thankfully, before long it ended and almost immediately after I struck up another courtship which, while short lived, was nowhere near as tragic.
It was about this time I discovered she had started seeing a guy and, while I was happy for her, I couldn't help but fill a bitter sting of jealousy. A few months later I was perusing her blog only to discover it had ended with him. I'd wanted to try and contact her, offer some sort of commiseration, but I didn't think it seemed right. I barely knew her and didn't want to seem like I was just trying to capitalize on her vulnerability.
A few weeks ago things got bad for me and my blog was filled with morose pieces. It was during this time she sent a message asking if everything was alright. I was not in a very positive place, so I opted not to respond because I didn't want to bitch about my problems or let the girl I'd been crushing on for so long to see me at my worst. Soon after I was on a plane back for Texas in order to try and get myself right.
So it goes.
The next week and change was spent seeing family and dealing with this through intense writing sessions. Last Saturday after I'd gotten back from volunteering at the nursing home I sat down with my mic and recorded a piece I'd been planning for almost a year. Once it was posted I felt revitalized in a way only creating some truly worthwhile can bring. Bolstered by this sudden onset of confidence I decided to finally respond to her message. We talked longer than we had before, but tumblr's mail system is frustrating and took our conversation to gchat. I was up for over forty hours by the time we sent our hellos, but I'd have been damned if I was going to let something like sleep deprivation keep me from getting to know this lovely young woman.
The conversation came easy and went from light to more serious affairs. She told me about immigrating to the US as well as her childhood, all the while I hung on every word. I then went into details about my life I don't offer so readily through conversations. Then the amazing happened; she listened and understood. Toward the end things got flirtatious, but I tried to keep my cool and not take it too seriously. When we said goodnight I was left with a smile and sleep came easily.
After I awoke and waited the time necessary to not come off quite as anxious to talk to her as was the case; I signed on, said hello and conversation picked right back up where we left off. Over the next several hours we spoke about relationships, family, dreams, passion, religion and everything in between. I again showed more courage than I thought myself capable of and gave her my number.
She called it instantly.
The sound of her voice caused my breath to catch in my throat and I still haven't gotten it back. The conversation lasted eight hours and I was astonished by just how wonderful this woman is. She was patient and I spoke and always kept me laughing. I'd admitted to the long standing crush I'd had on her and in a surprising turn of events she reciprocated. Towards the end of the night the conversation took a turn towards the hot and heavy, but she stopped it so as to not rush things too much. I understood, told her as much and didn't bring it up again. It finally reached the point where she could no longer fight back the sleep which weighed heavy on her lids and had to retire. I layed in bed with my mind reeling with every word spoken between us and sleep did not call me as it did her.
It was before the sun rose when she called me and recanted the withdrawal she'd made the night before and the which passed her lips lit this fire within I'd thought had long been snuffed out. The breathiness of her vocables, mixed with the moans and the exuberance with which she came formed the sweetest symphony I'd ever heard.
The next several days were filled with more conversations, revelations and early morning passions. I've gotten to know her in more ways than I'd ever dreamed possible and I like everything I see. She's not perfect, but it's becoming apparent the flaws either mirror my own, or compliment them in some strange fashion. She claims she's a hot mess, I maintain she's only half right. I've spent my dating life trying to find what it is I was in a partner. At most they'd have two or three qualities and the negatives never outweighed them. She's different. All the important checks have been marked and the cons never even come close to making me look twice.
I can even pin point the exact moment where I fell into another four letter word which I know I shouldn't bring myself to say and it really doesn't matter, because it wouldn't convey the true depths of it anyway. It was during one of our late night phone sessions and I just sat in relative silence as she shared her writings with me. Then, one particularly heartbreaking one past through the headset and that was all it took. It also didn't hurt that the talent with which she told it made me feel like an amateur by comparison.
It's not, however, easy at times; what with the distance and no idea how to close it with the current situation in which I find myself. Sometimes after we hang up for the night I'll find myself riddled with the doubts which tell me there's no way someone so beautiful, amazing, funny, sweet and smart will ever find anything in me worth sticking it out for, but I'm tired of listening to that voice. I've learned by now it doesn't have my best intentions at heart.
And now I'm sitting here while talking with her on gchat. I'm not sure what the future is going to hold and at times this does make me feel uneasy. However, I'm tired of doubts holding me back from trying to go after things I want in this life. And I want to see where this takes me, no matter where the road may lead. I'm in.
So it goes.
Anything for you-Ludo
:D!
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