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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Stream of conciousness 2: Somewhat of a vagabond


I reach for my box of Marlboro Gold 100s to find them empty, so I prepare myself for the one hour trek to a gas station to pick up some more.  My MP3 player is dead meaning I’ll have to rely on my thoughts and the environment for a soundtrack, which can get pretty nasty at times.  I throw on my Venom hoody which is still damp from when I washed it earlier and walk out the door.  My busted sneakers lead me past the cookie cutter homes which make up the neighborhood, past the pond and near the wooded area which will soon be replaced with the overwhelming blandness of small town America.

This is when my thought process kicks in.

I tend to live my life somewhat as a vagabond.  Just a month ago I made the third cross country relocation in the span of only a year.  The story for the first and second can be found here, with the third taking place here.  I actually do this pretty regularly.  I’ve never mastered the art of making a relationship, either romantic or platonic, last more than six months and it makes it much easier to sever all ties and abandon ship.  The only problem is that the social and economic consequences get heftier each time.

As a matter of fact, the only things I was able to bring with me during this move was a duffel bag full of clothes and toiletries, my netbook, Kindle, MP3 player and the flashdrive and journal which make up I’ve no reason to dream… I end up having to do a lot of laundry because I only brought enough clothes to last me about a week.  Money is dangerously low.

As I’m walking and letting my mind wander I get sporadic text messages from her and they intensify the lonely feeling which has lingered with me over the last several days.  My brain keeps trying to ask questions I don’t want to find the answers for so I do my best to ignore it.

I don’t have a car so the only jobs I’ve been able to apply for are the various retail outlets within walking distance from the house.  I’m almost 27 years old and I really thought I was beyond doing this kind of stuff by now.  I’m not saying I’m too good for this kind of employment; I just want more for myself.  It’s difficult once you find where your heart is and the thing you are most passionate about; only to discover it’s damn near impossible to make a living off of.  I’d self published My time in Hell… as an e-book almost three months ago and so far have sold a whopping 7 copies.  Don’t get me wrong I’m thankful for each and every one of them and I wasn’t expecting to make thousands of dollars, but I don’t know…it’s a little disheartening.

Back at the house I sit outside and smoke a cigarette as I let all the thoughts I’ve shaken up settle back down and fall into place.  I haven’t been writing much as of late and find it a difficult muscle to stretch once it’s started to atrophy, so I’ll leave you with this…

I have to believe everything that’s been happening is leading me somewhere and just need to be patient until I finally arrive.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Refresh

Can't tell me nothing-Kanye West

On the second entry of this blog I stated that I would neither take back or apologize for anything I write.  When it comes to my blogs and serious works, this remains true.  This month alone I've written some harsh and, let's be honest, borderline reckless pieces.  While the sentiments expressed in some of my words might not be the same ones I have today, I stand by everyone of them.  And there they shall remain.

Boulevard of broken dreams-Green Day

The last eighteen months have been an absolute roller coaster and I'm still trying to process it all.  I'm hesitant to talk about it much because it's the very basis for my second book, I've no reason to dream..., and I'd rather you find out about it in the way I've intended.  This is the project I want to share with the world and I can't do that unless my first book, My time in Hell and other whimsical tales, is a success.  The story I've crafted is nothing short of astonishing and I'm scared no one is going to be able to see what I've done.  If you want an idea of what's been going on, this is all I'll give you.

Jump on my shoulders-Awolnation


Love will,
make you crazy.
Its loss,
drives you insane.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Always too brief.

"God, you're beautiful."  I tell her and her mouth cracks the tiniest hint of a smile.

"You're silly."  She responds in the manner which always lets me know she won't allow my words to sink in.

It's a never ending battle; me trying to build up her confidence while she continues to tear herself down.  I guess some old habits die harder than others.

"I talked to Steve a little about you today." She says in a desperate attempt to change the subject.

"What'd he say?"

"He asked me if you were really what I wanted.  He told me that once this divorce is final and we're together he was afraid you wouldn't be able to support me or our son.  That if your book doesn't take off, though he hopes it does, I'll be the breadwinner.  He wanted to make sure I was prepared for that."

"Well..." I hesitate because her husband's concerns mirror back some of the ones I've had myself.  "those are some valid points."  After another several beats.  "Does that bother you?"

"No."  She says without hesitation.  "Once he graduates he's going to be an electrical engineer and make a ridiculous amount of money.  I would have a nice house.  A nice car.  Nice things.  But there wouldn't be any emotion there.  We'd just sit across the room and stare at each other.  I want what you and I have.  I love you."

"I love you too, angel."

Then our lips meet and open; allowing us better access to the warmth within.  She then pulls away and tells me,

"And besides, your writing is going to take off.  It might take awhile but I know it will."

After that we spend the rest of our short time together making coffee, baking a frozen pizza, teasing each other in several ways, laughing and then cuddling up while we watch bits and pieces of Office Space.  Our time is always too brief and I savor every second because I'm never quite sure when I'll get to see her again.

"You're gorgeous."

"You're silly."

When the movie ends we share a few more passionate kisses before I walk her to her car.  We kiss softly and then passionately for another several minutes before I make my way back to the house.  Just as I reach the front porch I sprint back and dive through the open passenger window in order to get one last kiss.  I walk back when I hear her ask for one more and I oblige her for the last time.  She calls out "I love you!" and I watch her taillights fade into nothing.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

My first review!

I've received a review for my first book, My time in Hell and other whimsical tales, on Amazon.  Here's what Danni had to say:

This book has it all, everything you want to read is in this book. Warning: once started it can't be put down. It's a helluva page turner, and the catch? It's a true story.-5 Stars
I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me.  Though, therein lies the problem.  My book has been on the market for almost two months now and I've only sold about 7 copies. I've big plans for the future, but as of right now I'm every bit the starving artist.  Seriously, I only weigh 132 lbs if there isn't any change in my pockets.  I need this book to take off soon.  If you're new to my work it's the perfect jumping on point and leads directly into my second, yet unpublished project, I've no reason to dream, which is the most interactive and revolutionary story ever told.

Here's My time in Hell's description:

My name is Davlin Stewart and without the written word I would not be alive today. What started as a form of therapy has turned into a passion which only burns brighter with each passing day. My book, My time in Hell and other whimsical tales, covers eight years of struggle where I'd turned to writing in order to make sense of the world around me. Just a few of the few topics covered within its pages include relationships, molestation, drugs/alcohol, religion, contracting STDs, a five day stint in a mental hospital, the trials of being an unknown author, performing in open mics, making progress with mental illness and finding a sense of peace despite it all.

I want you to know that, no matter what you're going through, you are not alone and there is someone out there who understands. Besides, the only thing you have to lose is four bucks and a little bit of time. 

So, if you're interested in seeing the breakout work of one of the best kept secrets of the literary world, look no further.  Links to both Amazon and Barnes and Noble can be found on the right side of this blog.  Please, don't make me beg...

Again.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 18

My name is Davlin Stewart...

...and next month I'll turn 25 years old.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about life, responsibility, love and regret. Even after all this time I'm still not exactly sure what it is that I've learned about any of them. But, I still feel like I'm getting wiser. Funny how that works out.

Over the last several years, I've learned what kind of man I want to be.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 17

Twilight is bullshit and so are you.

I swear to God, I never wanted it to come to this. Of all the strange, stupendous, staggering things taking place in my life right now, I can't fathom why this is the topic I'm choosing to write about. But, it must be said. Twilight is bullshit and so are you.

I had always thought about Twilight the same way I always do when I see the next lame, yet fleeting, female fad. It's harmless and it will pass. But I was wrong.

The first time I gave the series more than a passing glance was at last years comic con. Look it up. I'd give you the link but, fuck it, I don't want to. There were almost riots because droves of Twilight fans flooded the convention and camped out during the panels so they wouldn't miss the Twilight one. Here's something those of you who are not social outcasts need to understand. It's during these panels that all of the big, nerd world shattering news is broken. People come from all over the world to see these, because they are sacred. Now, imagine an undead army of preteen girls hunkered down and filling up all the spaces so they could see something no one else at the convention could even give two shits about. They would have had no trouble getting a seat. Twilight is bullshit and so are you.

I've since watched the first film. I did it for the same reason any straight male has seen it, I've got a girlfriend who deep down inside, hates me. I can honestly say it is one of the top ten worst films I have ever seen.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 16

I'm fucking losing it and I can't sleep.

He's breaking his lease, because he doesn't have any money. If I let him out of it, I have to pay a total of $1,030 in fees. All he said initially was "I'm sorry, dude" and "good luck with that."

I tried to cut him a deal. If he gave me the living room set, the washer and dryer as well as his flat screen, I'd call it even. He was reticent, but I told him if he didn't agree to my terms I wouldn't let him out of the lease and I'd sue him for every penny. That would come to a total of

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 15

Things...are really starting to go well for me. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, yet. The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is allow myself to be happy. For the first time in my life, I'm beginning to see the value I possess.

Do you ever sit back and think about some of the things that have happened to you? I don't mean dwell on

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 14

(I found this one interesting)

I'm twenty five years old now and I'm ready to settle down. It's time to start looking for the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm in a hurry.

My past relationships have given me the knowledge of what I'm looking for.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 13

(about Alison)

When we first started dating, she was terrified of other people. If we were at her place and ordered a pizza, I'd have to call it in and meet them at the door. It was even like that between us.

She couldn't talk to me without the ambiguity of of a screen, which means I never learned how to read her. After I converse with someone long enough, I can begin to read the story carved between the wrinkles of a forehead.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 12

Having sex is a lot like watching a movie. Hear me out.

The first time you see a flick is almost always the best. Oftentimes, after that initial viewing the whole experience becomes stale.

Sometimes a movie is worth a second go.

The same could be said for sexual partners. It might sound harsh, but we've all been there. You meet someone, have sex with them and, next thing you know, you're only in a relationship with them because it's a sick justification for that one time.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 11


Tomorrow I'm going to Lafayette for work and I won't be back until Thursday. Before I get on the plane there's something I really need to say, just in case...well, let's just leave it at that.

I know you think no one notices you, but you're wrong. I always have, even though I was never the one you wanted. Why do you think I'm still here after all this time? It's because I've been waiting on you to notice me.

I know, you're comfortable with him. You've said it countless times and I get it.
It's a stress free life of routine, but also one which comes at the price of passion. He doesn't see you for the quirky, brilliant, beautiful, tortured, artistic, sexy, amazing woman that you are. The romance is gone and he doesn't make you feel special. Everyday you question decision to stay

Things don't have to be this way. You can have someone who's working towards a goal and . You can live a life that keeps you guessing and reignite the fire inside you which had been snuffed out years ago. You can be loved and, yes, you do deserve it. You just have to decide that being comfortable isn't enough for you anymore.

Look, I know we're both out of our minds. But I also think we just might be crazy enough to work.

P.S. Boy, won't this be awkward if my plane doesn't crash!

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 10

The bulk of last weekend was spent seeing family and old friends. It was nice helped to keep my brain distracted. They told me they were surprised at how well I was dealing with everything. They bought it.

Over the last week I've spent the majority of my time in this room alone.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 9

"Sometimes...I get this feeling like you want to be in a bad relationship."

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 8

Epiphany in the blue

From as far back as I can remember, there's been this darkness inside of me. When I become overwhelmed it takes over and every day is a struggle not to let this happen. Doctors have given it several names. A few of my favorites were bipolar(both 1 & 2), paranoid schizophrenia and manic depression with hypersexuality. I've dealt with it for 25 years now.

The first 18 of which were harrowing and I endured them without the aid of cigarettes, pharmaceuticals or drugs. Now, while I survived, I didn't do a very good job with coping and it has left me somewhat broken. I remember back in seventh grade it started to catch up with me. I was rocked with stomach pains so severe the only thing I could do was curl up into the fetal position until it finally decided to abate. Anytime I ate I would throw it up, causing me to drastically lose weight. Every single test was taken, including one with a rubber glove, during countless visits to the ER and they all showed nothing physically wrong. Turns out it was all in my head. I found my medication when I was 17 started writing songs, though only a few of them were any good. This is because my thoughts move too fast for me to focus on them, an endless static which kept me from sleeping. This was a both a blessing and a curse.

I took an inordinate amount of pills a few weeks after my 18th birthday hoping to finally free myself from all the things no child should have to live with. It didn't work. The next day I moved in my Mom and I picked up smoking cigarettes shortly after. I've given a lot of thought as to the reasons I so thoroughly enjoyed something that did nothing but horrible things to my already damaged body. There are two things that originally attracted me to it. See, smoking gave me a reason to leave a crowded room when I became too overwhelmed.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 7

Back in February I applied for a film school in California three weeks before class started. After I'd already quit my job, it fell through. When I got off the phone with my financial aid representative, I was absolutely devastated.

I then called Ana to let her know what was going on. I then told her I had a few other phone calls to make and would talk to her a little later. After I made them I ended up feeling even worse and had to get out of the apartment for awhile.

I climbed in my car, fired it up and turned my music up to a slightly uncomfortable volume.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 6

The storms rage inside. I close my eyes as the force rocks me back and forth. Images flash just long enough to stir emotions, but not enough to .

I reach out to touch you, but my fingers find only glass.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 5

Distance

The simple truth is it's hard to manage things like this long distance and we've got a lot of strikes against us.

Relationships are built upon our senses because they serve as the connections to memories. The only one we've ever experienced is sound. This means we're missing out on all the others The future you and I want so desperately hangs entirely upon words.

We're just lucky that's what I'm best at.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 4

Outside. Everything is covered with a thick sheet of ice, making navigation treacherous. Steam is pushed from my mouth in short, rapid bursts. My wool overcoat rendered ineffective by the chill. Every step I take comes with images of slipping and cracking my head on the cement.

I wondered who would find me and what they would do when they did? Hopefully they wouldn't just rob me blind and leave me to freeze over. Out of all of those I care about, who would be

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 3

I decided to go for a walk today because the storm left me stuck inside of my apartment for the better part of three days. If I'm going out for a stroll I usually prefer any month that isn't winter, but today the harsh winds reinvigorated my senses. And of course, I slipped deep into thought.

It's so weird how things play out sometimes. I had originally planned on reflecting on all of the events that had to happen to bring me here, but instead, just like always, my ruminations drifted to you and then there they stayed.

The first time I'd heard mention of you was four years ago, when Mike told me they found my female replacement at the store in SC. He then went on to tell me you and I were perfect for each other. I trusted his judgment and then immediately sought you out on Myspace.

As cliche as it sounds, the breath was stolen from my lungs the instant I saw your picture. Physically, you were everything I could have wanted in a member of the opposite sex. I read up on your interests and blogs only to find out you were also everything I wanted in another human being.

I don't remember how much time had passed but eventually you messaged me. In fact, a lot of our earlier conversations have been lost to time but I do remember what I thought during our first phone call. "This could be it." Then you mentioned your boyfriend and I threw that shit right out the window.

Over the years our lives took us in different directions. You found lovers and I had a few as well. Though, and this is the truth, no matter who I was with I always wished I was the one lucky enough to be laying by your side.

About a year ago you were in the middle of a long, committed relationship and I had just gotten a girlfriend. We lost contact until her and I broke up, but I still thought about you constantly. Even though you and I went for 6 months without any real contact, when we did reconnect it was like no time had passed at all.

This was about the time I started building my website and we grew closer than ever. You were the first person I even showed pictures of it to. I knew you'd understand what I was doing because we've both always understood each other. Not just some superficial level either, I'm talking about the core person we don't let other people see.

The feelings I'd been building for you over the last few years exploded and, again I know I'm being cliche, I've never experienced anything like it before. This time, I didn't want to sabotage or destroy it. Instead, I wanted to appreciate it on whatever level I could have.

I was terrified that day when I told you that day how I felt. It wasn't because I thought you'd reject me, I was already expecting that to be the outcome. I was scared because I didn't want to ruin our friendship or lose you as a result. The only reason I even told you was because I wanted to thank you for giving me that feeling. When you told me to let them go, I was willing to do it just so I could still be in your life.

During the text conversation that night I could feel something in you shift. You were softer with me than you'd ever been before. While I went to bed that night with a new found hope, I tried my best not to let it get too big.

That is until you told me you felt the same way and we never looked back. This month spent with you over text messages has satisfied me more than any of my previous relationships combined. We are able to be completely honest with each other without the repercussions of judgment or shunning.

There are a lot of things about both of our pasts that break my heart knowing we had to experience. I now think we had to go through each and every one of them in order to fit together as perfectly as we do. No matter what's happened over the last 4+ years we've always found a way back to each other. We just weren't ready for it until now.

You're my best friend and confidant. I love you more than I ever thought possible, Ana, and we've still yet to meet face to face. I can promise you this; I will spend every single day loving and appreciating you for the smart, witty, beautiful, geeky, wounded, insightful, eccentric and inspiring person that you are once we finally do.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 2

A collection of some of the things she said to me when they were still good:


You do get impatient sometimes, and way ahead of yourself. It's one of my favorite things about you. I enjoy watching you get excited and letting your mind take you places.

As far as us goes, it catches me off guard sometimes that I'm really this happy and I'm not trying to be. I never had that, or expected to.

I love that about you though. You just do things. I research EVERYTHING.

You're so romantic. I think that's the biggest way you offset me. It's nice because you bring that side out in me.

as if I could possible keep my hands off you. You have so much to learn! hah

And I pretty much bailed on matt as soon as I found out you'd written I live to read your work, as it happens.

You are creepy in the sweetest way and I love it.

But honestly I don't think you realize how talented you are. Yes. I mean I know you realize you have talent, but what you write amazes me.

I love you so much I don't know how to put it into words.

I think if there was a word for it, hearing it would be the same as staring into the sun. It's better to just be comforted by the warmth.

An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 1

Most reoccuring dream # 1


(written about Ana)


We're sitting in the 101 Coffee Shop, the girl from my dreams whom I've never met. I know everything about her, though I've never touched her in the waking world. She's wearing her favorite jeans. The hood of her sweatsheart is pulled down, shrouding her face in darkness. One hand supporting her forehead, the other absentmindedly stirring the eggs that make her sick, but eats anyway. She lets out a heavy sigh which shakes the table when it lands.

"You're just so intense sometimes." She tells me in a cracked whisper. "You're so bright you burn."

"I don't understand."

She winces involuntarily, because she knows the truth is going to hurt. "Don't you think this is all moving a little too fast?"

"This is what you told me you wanted."

"Maybe I don't know what I want. Maybe you were right."

"Look. Don't do this. Please."

"Don't beg, ok? We're in public." She chides me like an unruly child. Then her voice becomes quiet and her words laced with venom. "You come off way too strong, ok? You moved way to fast. You're so sweet it makes me want to vomit. Okay? Are you happy?"

The alarm clock never seems able to penetrate the walls of this dream until long after its completion.

Friday, April 13, 2012

I guess I should have seen that coming (Reader's discretion is advised)

I'm still not entirely sure what it was which compelled me to do it, but I did.  I've thought about it constantly for a good while now, and though I knew no good would come from this course of action, I did it anyway.  Tonight I read Ana's blog.

I'm not sure what it was I was hoping to get from her words, I've been told she hated me and I guess I was trying to find some sort of sign as to why.  Well, I got it and here's what she wrote.


I also want to say, Ben, if you're reading this and blaming yourself so you can have more fuel for the self pity fest I'm sure you've been throwing yourself since you got back to Texas, stop reading it. You really are a piece of shit. My bad day I'm having that is causing me to write this post has nothing to do with you, nor does any other aspect of my life. And you're a real loser, and you need to just pull out your tampon and move on with your life. You were a dick. You ruined our relationship. Get the fuck over it. I did. And hey, maybe you're not even reading this. Maybe you're not crying all the time and imagining some world where you and I can be together if you could just change what you did or some bullshit. That would be awesome. But in case you are reading this, there you have it. Stay out of my life and fucking live yours for once.

It honestly left me speechless, though that has since subsided.  Ever since the breakup I've only posted pieces which spoke (pretty) favorably of you.  I've never lashed out against you in a public forum and I guess asking you to do the same would be too much.  Though, lying is what got us into this mess, so allow me to be honest with you for the first time since I moved to Tennessee.

You're right, I probably was a dick, but this is only because you were a miserable fucking cunt who sucked every scrap of joy I had left.  I was miserable with you and you never once seemed to care.  All those times I was taking out the trash or walking Vicious; it was because I was trying to get away from you.  Oh, and I to smoke because being around you stressed me out so much I didn't know what else to do.  I was honest with you about everything before I moved and the second I got there you fucking changed and expected me to do the same.  When I couldn't fit into this mold you wanted of me you began to lash out.  I had absolutely no sense of self worth by the time you were done with me that I probably was a loser.  More than that, though, I was broken the fuck down and I'm glad you ended us.  I was more upset about having to go back to Texas than never seeing you again.

At first, sure, I mourned the end of us.  I thought I missed you, but the truth is I only missed the person I thought you were.  She, however, never existed.  Again, yes, I did feel sorry for myself, but how dare you make fun of me for that.  Bitch, you have absolutely no idea what the fuck I've been through BECAUSE OF YOU.  I guess for you to be able to see this it would require you to have a heart, but we both know that's not exactly going to happen.  You're cold, mentally abusive and one of the most despondent people I have ever known.  So, as for that world where we could still be together, no thanks.  I've been to that Hell once and didn't find it enjoyable.

The only reason I even went to your blog was because I truly hoped you were doing okay.  I wanted you to fix all the fucking issues you so clearly have and maybe find a sense of peace.  Now, I'm going to go back to living my life, which has improved greatly just from you not being a part of it.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Yes, I've created another blog.

This one houses all my songs and works of fiction.  Check it and enjoy.


Lyrics and Fabrications

Also, please, buy my fucking book.  There's a link to the right of the screen for both Kindle and Nook.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I need this.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

An open letter to the biggest piece of shit I've yet to have the displeasure of meeting.

Stephen,

Hey guy, how's it going?  I know quite a bit about you, which puts you at an unfair advantage.  Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Davlin and I've known your wife longer than you have.  Now, granted, most of that time was spent apart and she was with you, but I know her better than you could ever hope to.  Ever since we reconnected back in the beginning of February there hasn't been a day without us speaking in one form or another.  All those times you made her cry, I was the one putting a smile on her face.  Every time you drove her to hurt herself, I was the one who quelled the tears and brought her back from the edge.  Whenever you would tear her down with your abuse, I'm the one who was building her back up.  When you refused to pay attention to your son, I was the one talking to him on the phone and playing games with him.  I am the man who will give them both what they deserve, which is more than you've ever thought about doing.

That's who the fuck I am.

A few nights ago you sent me three text messages and I held back from responding to them at her request.  Here's what you sent, along with my responses to each.

What the hell are you doing with my wife?

When you sent me that message I was sitting in the passenger seat of her car, holding her.  She was so far gone by the time she got to my place because of the horrible things you said to her.  I had her in my arms and I dried her tears, while telling her how beautiful and amazing she is in order for her to calm down.  In short, I was being compassionate, asshole.  You should really try it sometime.

Do you really not have any respect for people?

I have respect for many people, but I feel that's something which should be earned.  When it comes to an emotionally distant, physically and emotionally abusive piece of shit who does nothing but make the woman I love cry?  Sorry, but no.  I don't have any respect for you.

You got the balls to try and steal someone else's wife, but too scared to reply back?
 In the spirit of staying honest, I was terrified to reply back.  This wasn't because I was scared to confront you, believe me, there's nothing I want more.  I was afraid you were going to hurt her again because you lost your temper.  This is the difference between you and me, I actually put other people first.  She asked me not to respond, so I kept my cool because her safety is more important than my ego.  Also, for the record, my balls are huge and I haven't tried anything.  Motherfucker, I succeeded.

Now, we're probably reaching the point of no return and a physical conflict is quickly becoming unavoidable.  A few things you should probably consider.

  1. I've never had a physical altercation in my adult life.
  2. I weigh 132 lbs.
  3. I lack the combat experience you've gained from beating up women so you do have that in your favor.
Despite those three points against me, I'm not scared of you in the slightest.  Regardless of the outcome of this hypothetical bout, it doesn't change the fact that I can give your wife and son everything you've never been able to.  Enjoy the scavenger hunt you have planned for her tomorrow.  I'm sure walking her through the four years of Hell you've put her through won't blow up in your face at all.  It's a great idea, really.  In fact I look forward to hearing all about it afterward.  It's been a rough couple of days, I could use a hearty laugh.  And on the bright side, once she comes to me and is happier than she ever was on her best day with you, you'll have all the time in the world to play your precious video games.

A far better man than you'll ever be,
Davlin

Achievement unlocked!
Steal the love of your life from an abusive and selfish piece of shit 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Impasse

My life often tends to be story like in nature. When I look back I can see a rich tapestry woven of parables, symmetries, plot lines which had to have been scripted well beforehand as well as a loose thread or two. I used to think I saw things this way because I was a writer, but now I'm starting to wonder if I became one in order to make sense of it all. I'd once written about the fallacies regarding fate and soul mates and even went on to mock those who believed in such nonsense.



I now realize I couldn't have been more wrong.



For years I'd viewed events of my life through such a narrow lens that only the immediate present was visible. I ran from my past while ignoring the lessons they have always tried to impart and the future was something I never imagined myself even living long enough to see. Recent events, however, have swapped needle thin lens out for a panoramic view and I'm finally able to take in the big picture. It's nothing short of staggering.



The first act has already been released (out now for Kindle and Nook!) and in a month's time I've sold a whopping six copies. Don't get me wrong, there's a very big part of me which jumps for joy for each and every one of them, but I've got big plans for my professional and personal life and, quite frankly, this isn't even fucking close to cutting it. Every attempt I've made to get my name out there has been left with a response that's left me somewhat crestfallen. Though I do want to truly thank each and every one of you who have bought my first and/or helped me spread the word; it's just nowhere near enough.



The second is still waiting on a publisher or financial backer brave enough to take the risk of releasing the most interactive and revolutionary story ever told. I'm cautious to talk about it because I really don't want to spoil the surprise. Trust me, it's best if you discover its secrets the way I've originally intended. This brings me to something of an impasse regarding the third.



For you see, it's still being written and sharing any of it with you right now would not only steal a little of Act II's magic, but also annihilate all of the promotional plans I have regarding its release. It's with this in mind that I have decided to take a step back from publicly posting every single thing the instant I finish. I've started another, secret blog to be shared with a select few in order to have all of my newer posts read and public releases will be kept to a bare minimum until I finally reach the Holy Grail of successful publication. I've given myself freely to everyone for almost three and a half years now and I just can't do it this way anymore. If you've been following my work for any span of time I promise you've yet to see the best of what I can do and you're not going to until I'm finally able to make a career out of my passion, my art.



That first taste is always free, my friends. Sooner or later you've gotta pay.