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Sunday, January 15, 2012

Mileage

Okay, I believe you, but my Tommy gun don’t-Brand New

Last year I made two roundtrips to Tennessee in the car which is now only days away from being repossessed. Each trip was under different circumstances and they gave me an accumulative 3,000 miles to reflect upon each of them.

I ran to her for the first time after I’d quit my job and had no film school to attend. Mom said I should visit her first to make sure it’s what I wanted and told me she’d help pay for it after I’d returned. 12 hours later I was in my car on the way to meet the woman I’d been in love with for over three years. My anticipation grew with each passing mile. During the twelve hour drive I’d send her updates via text. I remember driving down these long roads through the forest and not seeing another car for hours. It was during one of these stretches I lit up the joint I’d packed for the occasion and let the music overtake me. There was also the flash flood and almost running out gas in the middle of nowhere. It was full of so many wonderful moments where I proved where I was made of and by far the most empowering experience I’d ever had.

I arrived at her place around 5:30 P.M. and waited in the parking lot for her until she got off of work. Finally, she called and I got lost in the labyrinthine complex while trying to find her. I reached the mailboxes when this chatty bitch decided to start asking me chatty questions. I was trying to fight the urge to beat the woman to death with her own car when Ana whispered, “I see you” into the phone. I looked back and there she was in front of me, holding Vicious in her arms. If I had any air in my lungs I would have screamed at the lady to shut the fuck up so her and I could have this moment we most definitely earned. With her free hand, Ana grabbed the back of my head and pulled my lips to hers. It was the kind of kiss which set the sky aflame.

What followed was the best week of my entire life. There was eating pizza on her bed while watching Jaws; her reading to me; a trip to the candy store; always driving with hands woven together; running out of gas and almost falling out of the truck while helping Branden move; making an insensitive joke which I think hurt me in the long run; seeing her go through boxes of Alex’ stuff and realizing he’ll always come first in her heart; then stupidly thinking I could handle it; spending every night with conversation interspersed with the best sex I’ve ever had. It went by too fast.

Strength to go on-Rise Against

After having to say goodbye to her twice, I was on my way back to Texas. The first hour and a half, I could barely see the road through all the tears. When the storm finally relented, I called my mom who informed me she wasn’t going to be able to help me out financially. I drove with a panic attack with lasted a good nine hours. In fact, it was her constant texts which helped me down. She reminded me that the pain of saying goodbye was only the beginning of be coming back for good. An hour away from home I was molested by a police officer for a half hour and then given a $200 ticket. After my car payment, I had $5 in my account so the violation was never paid. My world was sinking in and I knew where I wanted to be. I just had to find a way. It took losing almost everything I had, but goddamn it…I found one.

Coming home-New Found Glory

The second trip up was cramped, as it was packed with as much as I could possibly stuff inside. Now that I knew what I was getting into, my mind was just focused on everything the future was going to bring. The dive was uneventful and seemed to last forever, but I eventually made it home. We hugged and kissed passionately before passing out due to exhaustion.

I’m not quite sure I’m ready to talk about the next six months just yet. Right now the only way I can describe it was like watching something you love deeply on life support. You stay because of the affection you have, but watching the only shining light you’ve ever known slowly die right in front of you is excruciating. And then it was just…gone.

Lose it-Cartel

So I was headed back to Texas, which I’ve already written about, and grieved the loss the entire way. Once I got back everything went to Hell. When I received my share of the insurance money for my stolen possessions it took everything I had not to run right back up there and see her. I figured it might’ve been seen as… What’s that word people love to throw around without realizing the condemnation it comes with? Oh, yeah, crazy.

Now, here I am again, with one shining light left to chase after. I feel like if I could just find a way to reach it, everything would be golden. But, I gotta be honest with you, this time I got nothin’.

Nada-The Refreshments

Saturday, January 7, 2012

First look at some of the exclusive content from I've No Reason To Dream

Wake up the neighbors,
and beat down the door.
It's time to unleash,
all the things I've held back before.



The reason no one pursues their dreams is because we've made them impossible to attain. Normal people are content to be a complacent cog in the machine and the one's who want something more are labeled “crazy”.



Do you remember how at the beginning of the year we'd never go a day without hours of conversation filled with laughter, love, support and understanding? Why did that change when we had to do it face to face?


On the way home, my girlfriend told me everything she thought I had done wrong. Giving the audience the finger for example.


I’ve been trying to figure out the intricacies of the puzzle and I can’t help but wonder where all of this came from. The further I dig for an answer, the more I discover how tightly it’s all connected.


“When’s the last time you wrote anything?”

“The night after I moved in.”

“Yeah, that was three months ago. You haven’t looked into trying to get into a school and you bitch constantly about how much you hate it here. How’s that supposed to make me feel?”

“I don’t mean it as a slight against you, it’s this place.”

“But I’m here.”

“I know and that’s the only thing I like about it.”

“Well, one day you’re going to realize that’s not enough.”


Our home became a minefield which would explode at the slightest provocation. When you’re constantly going for the throat, it’s hard to remember what you love about the other. Playing victim and bully gets you nowhere.


Just one of my blogs has already generated over 6,000 hits from all over the world in just a year and a half. The problem is, agents don’t see this as an accomplishment, even though I did it on my own.


Sunday night, I couldn’t sleep at all, my mind was buzzing so loud. It finally focused on the picture of the bathroom ceiling from the hotel I stayed in while in California. It’s a painting of a beautiful blue sky, dotted with clouds and lit in a way to replicate sunlight shining through them. But, in the center are two doves frozen in flight, inches apart. No matter what, they’ll never touch. It seemed appropriate and this was the inspiration for the next chapter.


I have difficulties writing if I’m in a relationship. See, I always tell them it’s because I can’t write when I’m happy; this is not the case. That’s the beauty of mania, it swings both ways.


I stared up at the sky which would be brilliant with stars if they weren’t overpowered by the ambient light. It made me think about how our creations can blind us from the beautiful things all around us.


The clock has reached zero and it brings horrifying implications.


This is it. We've lost.
I abandon hope and just start running, leaving the others to fend for themselves.


The Beast is hungry.


Sweetheart, your past is never done. It grows at the same rate your future dies.


You've got what you really wanted now. I hope it was worth it.