Shimmer-Fuel
By the time I arrived in SC I was exhausted, starving and anxious. Jackie was thirty minutes late picking me up and I was dying for a cigarette, but had to fight the temptation because it was something she hated. It all comes back to patterns, right? After a quick lunch she took me to Jonathan’s where I showered and waited for her to come back. Did I mention she was married, which would make pursuing any kind of healthy relationship damn near impossible?
But I stuck it out and for the first week or so things were going great, though it was not something we could keep up for much longer. I started to apply for all the retail jobs I could walk to and tried my best to remain optimistic about the whole process. She slowly started cancelling plans, and when she didn’t they ended up making me miserable, anyways. The beauty of being wrapped up in the Hell of dating a selfish, borderline sociopathic woman is that it kept my mind off of you; at least until late one night I read your blog. Reading everything you’ve been through made me hate myself for not being at your side when you needed it the most. Then, I was taken aback by the things you said about me and responded with an assault of my own.
Keep yourself warm-Frightened Rabbit
Before too long I started working at Wal-Mart, which quickly became the worst job I’ve ever had. This, mixed with sleeping on a couch and dealing with Jackie’s increasingly neurotic bullshit meant I was desperately searching for anything positive to take my mind of things and I was fortunate to come across two. The first started with an anonymous comment from someone on Tumblr. After corresponding with this person like this for awhile, she eventually introduced herself. Micky became the dear friend I desperately needed. The second was when I hooked back up with some old friends. Larry, Kat and I started Group Therapy, giving each of us an artistic outlet.
Things with Jackie, at least when I saw her, became increasingly worse and it was becoming more than I could take. I began talking with Micky more and more frequently and she helped me find the strength I needed in order to do what I’d been wanting for awhile at that point. Released from her baggage, Micky and I started revealing the feelings for each other which had started to blossom. Immediately, we plunged into a full fledged long distance relationship. This was the beginning of the best times I’ve had since I left your side.
Topeka-Ludo
After a month of intense conversations, Micky finally came for a visit and it was the beginning of the end. She picked me up from work and, after a shower, we headed to a Group Therapy session. This was the night when I realized my friends weren’t who I thought they were and started losing interest in what we’d been working on. The next day her and I checked into a hotel room and spent the next two days ignoring the world outside its walls. While there I could tell she had bitten off more than she could chew by pursuing me and didn’t have it in her to keep going. She proved this by breaking up with me on her drive back home. And so, I spiraled back into depression.
For a variety of reasons, I started hating hanging out with Larry and Kat. This mixed with a feeling of hopelessness concerning my craft led to my decision to retire from writing. I then filmed my final performance and haven’t been back since.
I’d also put in my two weeks notice to Wal-Mart and started making plans to do something different. A week later I had a nervous breakdown and walked.
I’ve spent the month and change sinking deeper into despair and wanting to act upon my darker impulses. I discovered that when my mind wasn’t preoccupied with other things, it would always bring its focus back to you. I then found I still had much more to say.
Justify-The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
But I couldn’t manage anything more than a piece or two dedicated to you. I was sitting on the back porch one day with a lighter and some of my handwritten pieces. The words scrawled upon the pages proved painful and I sought out to destroy them. However, it instead sparked my imagination and I started writing my final book, which is drawing close to its completion.
I was working on it last week when I’d started the pages dedicated to you lacking the materials I’d needed to complete them. This is when I started torturing myself with emails and photos we’d exchanged. Before long I came to the last words, which were laced with venom and have haunted me ever since. And, just like that, I shed the last tears I’d ever cry for you and collected them onto the pages.
Hard to say-The Used
Which brings us to the now. Today is September 27 and three hours ago was exactly a year since the last time I’d seen your face. I wish I could be strong about this and tell you I’ve gotten over you, even slightly, though lying is what got me into this mess to begin with. I miss you and think about you ever day. In less than a week I’ll be back in Texas with all it implies. I didn’t want any of this and I hope more than anything you’re happy and, if not that, then at least okay. And I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I have never stopped loving you. But now I can’t allow myself to keep going back to the “what ifs” or “could have beens”. It’s just too painful. I need to let you go, because where I’m headed is not a place I would like you to see. I’ve already hurt you enough as it is.
Goodbye Ana.
Brothers on a hotel bed-Deathcab for Cutie
Fin.
By the time I arrived in SC I was exhausted, starving and anxious. Jackie was thirty minutes late picking me up and I was dying for a cigarette, but had to fight the temptation because it was something she hated. It all comes back to patterns, right? After a quick lunch she took me to Jonathan’s where I showered and waited for her to come back. Did I mention she was married, which would make pursuing any kind of healthy relationship damn near impossible?
But I stuck it out and for the first week or so things were going great, though it was not something we could keep up for much longer. I started to apply for all the retail jobs I could walk to and tried my best to remain optimistic about the whole process. She slowly started cancelling plans, and when she didn’t they ended up making me miserable, anyways. The beauty of being wrapped up in the Hell of dating a selfish, borderline sociopathic woman is that it kept my mind off of you; at least until late one night I read your blog. Reading everything you’ve been through made me hate myself for not being at your side when you needed it the most. Then, I was taken aback by the things you said about me and responded with an assault of my own.
Keep yourself warm-Frightened Rabbit
Before too long I started working at Wal-Mart, which quickly became the worst job I’ve ever had. This, mixed with sleeping on a couch and dealing with Jackie’s increasingly neurotic bullshit meant I was desperately searching for anything positive to take my mind of things and I was fortunate to come across two. The first started with an anonymous comment from someone on Tumblr. After corresponding with this person like this for awhile, she eventually introduced herself. Micky became the dear friend I desperately needed. The second was when I hooked back up with some old friends. Larry, Kat and I started Group Therapy, giving each of us an artistic outlet.
Things with Jackie, at least when I saw her, became increasingly worse and it was becoming more than I could take. I began talking with Micky more and more frequently and she helped me find the strength I needed in order to do what I’d been wanting for awhile at that point. Released from her baggage, Micky and I started revealing the feelings for each other which had started to blossom. Immediately, we plunged into a full fledged long distance relationship. This was the beginning of the best times I’ve had since I left your side.
Topeka-Ludo
After a month of intense conversations, Micky finally came for a visit and it was the beginning of the end. She picked me up from work and, after a shower, we headed to a Group Therapy session. This was the night when I realized my friends weren’t who I thought they were and started losing interest in what we’d been working on. The next day her and I checked into a hotel room and spent the next two days ignoring the world outside its walls. While there I could tell she had bitten off more than she could chew by pursuing me and didn’t have it in her to keep going. She proved this by breaking up with me on her drive back home. And so, I spiraled back into depression.
For a variety of reasons, I started hating hanging out with Larry and Kat. This mixed with a feeling of hopelessness concerning my craft led to my decision to retire from writing. I then filmed my final performance and haven’t been back since.
I’d also put in my two weeks notice to Wal-Mart and started making plans to do something different. A week later I had a nervous breakdown and walked.
I’ve spent the month and change sinking deeper into despair and wanting to act upon my darker impulses. I discovered that when my mind wasn’t preoccupied with other things, it would always bring its focus back to you. I then found I still had much more to say.
Justify-The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
But I couldn’t manage anything more than a piece or two dedicated to you. I was sitting on the back porch one day with a lighter and some of my handwritten pieces. The words scrawled upon the pages proved painful and I sought out to destroy them. However, it instead sparked my imagination and I started writing my final book, which is drawing close to its completion.
I was working on it last week when I’d started the pages dedicated to you lacking the materials I’d needed to complete them. This is when I started torturing myself with emails and photos we’d exchanged. Before long I came to the last words, which were laced with venom and have haunted me ever since. And, just like that, I shed the last tears I’d ever cry for you and collected them onto the pages.
Hard to say-The Used
Which brings us to the now. Today is September 27 and three hours ago was exactly a year since the last time I’d seen your face. I wish I could be strong about this and tell you I’ve gotten over you, even slightly, though lying is what got me into this mess to begin with. I miss you and think about you ever day. In less than a week I’ll be back in Texas with all it implies. I didn’t want any of this and I hope more than anything you’re happy and, if not that, then at least okay. And I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I have never stopped loving you. But now I can’t allow myself to keep going back to the “what ifs” or “could have beens”. It’s just too painful. I need to let you go, because where I’m headed is not a place I would like you to see. I’ve already hurt you enough as it is.
Goodbye Ana.
Brothers on a hotel bed-Deathcab for Cutie
Fin.
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