First, I want to put something on record. I will never apologize for, or take back anything I have ever written.
Now, that doesn't meant I disregard your feelings about them. If you have any issues or concerns about my work, please feel free to talk to me about them. I welcome it.
The following questions have been recently posed to me and, now that I'm alone at my laptop, I would like to answer them.
1. Why do you need to write?
There is no easy way to answer this, and honestly this question baffles me. You don't know what it's like to be me anymore than I you. Me, I feel too goddamn much and most of it is...unpleasant.
At first, I bottled it up as best I could and it became a cancer. I would curl into the fetal position, because I could physically feel it eating away at my insides. After several visits to the ER, the doctors weren't able to find anything wrong with me. Turns out the intense stomach aches were all in my head. Dad flipped out.
Two months into my senior year I couldn't take it anymore and planned to act on my darker urges. Mom picked me up and took me to the hospital I would end up checking myself into four years later. This is when I touched paper to pen for the first time and released what was in my head. I ended up with a song which rambled on for four pages. Though sloppy, it was exactly what I needed to say, but had previously been unable to. After that, I never looked back.
2. What purpose does it serve?
It allows me to articulate the pain and use it as the foundation on which to build something beautiful. Sharing it with the world allows me to let it go.
3. Who are you trying to appeal to?
Well, I write for myself first. On the other hand, this is what I want to do for a living, so I do need to try and get my name out there. I've had people tell me something I had written had helped them in times when they needed it most. They're the ones I want to reach.
The only attention or comments I wish to get are those regarding the piece and how it was written. I'm not doing this as a cry for help. I'm not reaching out to be saved, though I do understand and appreciate your intentions.
4. Why can't you just talk to people like normal?
Because I have to hide certain things in every single conversation with another person. Everybody does. No one is completely honest, because we all have to wear different masks in order to fit into our roles in relationships with others. I know I can't be who I really am around people, because it scares them. It's not like that when I write.
I like to choose my words carefully and hate to be interrupted, especially if I listen to your points. When I'm working at a keyboard it's different. I can stare at my words instead of eyes which do little to hide their judgment or terror.
5. Why can't you just write about happy things?
I've written over 400 things and each one of them is a record of how I felt at that particular time. You can't pick five at random or read half of one and think you've seen all I have to offer. And if you think you've got me figured out, stop.
I write about my life and, while most of it has been what many would call "dark", there have been several moments which were able to shine through. Most people just don't stick around long enough to see for themselves.
In conclusion, I do apologize for any negative feelings the first entry of this blog may have given you. This was never my intention. However, writing it was the first time I felt good about myself in awhile and I refuse to feel any other way.
I'm a writer. This is just what I do.
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