Where to go from here

A Synonym For Acquiesce-Bayside

After a year spent chasing my dreams, the time has finally come to wake up. No matter how hard I try to keep my eyes closed and convince myself I'm still asleep, the new day comes and with it the painful reminders of all the things I've lost along the way. Now I find myself in one of the worst situations of my life and I'm not sure how to go forward.

It was supposed to be different this time around, no, she was supposed to be different. Actually, she was and that's kind of the problem. I'll go into more detail on this at a later date, because, frankly, at this point I can't stand the thought of her.

Right now all that matters is my life and what I choose to do with it. Over the last two weeks I've gone into a major downward spiral that's made things much, much worse and I need to figure out how to dig myself out of this hole. I'm staying with my mom and step-dad and I can't talk to them. I can't tell them how bad I've fucked things up this time and the clock is constantly ticking.

The things I'm about to say aren't out of self pity and they're not a cry for help. I'm writing this because it's what I've always done and, no matter how much I fight it, it's just so deeply ingrained that I can't escape it. This is me finally being honest.

I've spent the last two weeks grieving the loss of something I thought was going to be permanent and feeling hopeless with the financial burdens I've stuck myself with. It was all too much to bear and I wanted an escape, so I made a plan to end it all.

Last Wednesday I was going to kill myself.

Unfortunately, my mom was sick and stayed home from work and put a temporary obstruction on my demise and I stayed in my room and cried all day. Then she stayed home on Thursday and I grew increasingly desperate, unwilling to face yet another day.

Now here it is several days later and the desire is still there, though I'm trying to fight it and stay positive. I don't know why it's always been a viable option for me, or why the thought of it is so appealing. All I do know is I have to find a way passed all of this.

I have to take that next step.