Epiphany in the blue
From as far back as I can remember, there's been this darkness inside of me. When I become overwhelmed it takes over and every day is a struggle not to let this happen. Doctors have given it several names. A few of my favorites were bipolar(both 1 & 2), paranoid schizophrenia and manic depression with hypersexuality. I've dealt with it for 25 years now.
The first 18 of which were harrowing and I endured them without the aid of cigarettes, pharmaceuticals or drugs. Now, while I survived, I didn't do a very good job with coping and it has left me somewhat broken. I remember back in seventh grade it started to catch up with me. I was rocked with stomach pains so severe the only thing I could do was curl up into the fetal position until it finally decided to abate. Anytime I ate I would throw it up, causing me to drastically lose weight. Every single test was taken, including one with a rubber glove, during countless visits to the ER and they all showed nothing physically wrong. Turns out it was all in my head. I found my medication when I was 17 started writing songs, though only a few of them were any good. This is because my thoughts move too fast for me to focus on them, an endless static which kept me from sleeping. This was a both a blessing and a curse.
I took an inordinate amount of pills a few weeks after my 18th birthday hoping to finally free myself from all the things nochild
should have to live with. It didn't work. The next day I moved in my
Mom and I picked up smoking cigarettes shortly after. I've given a lot
of thought as to the reasons I so thoroughly enjoyed something that did
nothing but horrible things to my already damaged body. There are two
things that originally attracted me to it. See, smoking gave me a
reason to leave a crowded room when I became too overwhelmed.
From as far back as I can remember, there's been this darkness inside of me. When I become overwhelmed it takes over and every day is a struggle not to let this happen. Doctors have given it several names. A few of my favorites were bipolar(both 1 & 2), paranoid schizophrenia and manic depression with hypersexuality. I've dealt with it for 25 years now.
The first 18 of which were harrowing and I endured them without the aid of cigarettes, pharmaceuticals or drugs. Now, while I survived, I didn't do a very good job with coping and it has left me somewhat broken. I remember back in seventh grade it started to catch up with me. I was rocked with stomach pains so severe the only thing I could do was curl up into the fetal position until it finally decided to abate. Anytime I ate I would throw it up, causing me to drastically lose weight. Every single test was taken, including one with a rubber glove, during countless visits to the ER and they all showed nothing physically wrong. Turns out it was all in my head. I found my medication when I was 17 started writing songs, though only a few of them were any good. This is because my thoughts move too fast for me to focus on them, an endless static which kept me from sleeping. This was a both a blessing and a curse.
I took an inordinate amount of pills a few weeks after my 18th birthday hoping to finally free myself from all the things no
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