On love, on life-Bayside
Ana,
I guess things didn’t end quite as we had planned them just a year ago, did they? At least we tried and, while I can’t speak for you, I know I certainly gave it everything I had. The truth is the signs were there all along, but we blinded ourselves to them because we wanted so desperately to believe that maybe for once life had decided to be kind. This was something we weren’t ever quite able to reciprocate.
You see, once we were faced with the reality of our choices and there was no turning back it didn’t seem to be what either of us expected or wanted. I now think the fights were your way of trying and get me to throw in the towel, but when I didn’t you became increasingly desperate until you finally pulled the trigger yourself.
The drive back was a completely new level of pain and the tears didn’t stop after it was over. The world shattered around me and it plunged me into a downward spiral of self destruction I almost didn’t walk away from. I had to atone for all the risks I’d taken and the price was catastrophically high. I fought with all of those I’d left behind and was barely left standing once they relented. Mom’s house was broken into and almost everything I’d had left was stolen away from me. You won your last fight last January when my car was repossessed. There were so many nights I’d lock myself in my room and alternate between being angry with the way things ended up and missing you so bad until the hatred turned itself inward. I’m ashamed to admit how many times I almost let it do me in.
Love Maker (Acoustic)-Saosin
As the days drug on I found myself without direction or purpose. A few of the only things left untouched after the break in were the notebook and writing supplies we bought on one of our trips to Wal-Mart. I remembered the excitement I’d felt that night when we got home and how it faded once I settled back into our routine. I decided to try and recapture that spark and with it I finished the three year long rewrite on My Time In Hell…and the feeling of accomplishment was so much better than the self loathing I’d been trapped within. There’s no other high quite like creating something from the heart and I chased the dragon.
I had just moved in with my cousin and while in the room I grew up in I sat down to write the book I’d promised you back when things between us were still idealistic. After over 1000 hours of labor I’ve No Reason To Dream was complete and, while it was not what I originally planned for it to be, the end result was something so much better than I ever thought myself capable of. Then, the tides began to change.
After the war was over and the smoke had cleared I emerged stronger than ever before. Releasing all the venom which coursed through my veins also left me with a rare sense of clarity. Looking back on everything I know now I wouldn’t change the end of us, because, contrary to all the evidence I thought I saw, we weren’t right for each other. I am sorry I lied to you and it’s the one thing I’d take back if I could. From what I hear you’re doing well and I hope you’ve been able to reclaim your identity. As for me, it's time to relinquish all the anger, sadness, resentment and affection for you I’ve been clinging onto. I need to let you go.
What I’m about to say probably isn’t what you were hoping to hear, but I do want to be honest. For you see, love has found me and I think I needed to experience all I did with you in order to be the man I have to be in order to make it work. I learned more from you than anyone else I’ve ever met and for that I want to thank you. I’m also going to remember all the good times you and I had together; instead of intensely focusing on all of those which were less than favorable. All I can ask is for you to try and do the same. If, however, you choose instead to hate me for everything, I understand and hope that someday changes.
With the utmost sincerity,
Davlin
3685-The Spill Canvas
No comments:
Post a Comment