"Sometimes...I get this feeling like you want to be in a bad relationship."
Saturday, April 14, 2012
An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 8
Epiphany in the blue
From as far back as I can remember, there's been this darkness inside of me. When I become overwhelmed it takes over and every day is a struggle not to let this happen. Doctors have given it several names. A few of my favorites were bipolar(both 1 & 2), paranoid schizophrenia and manic depression with hypersexuality. I've dealt with it for 25 years now.
The first 18 of which were harrowing and I endured them without the aid of cigarettes, pharmaceuticals or drugs. Now, while I survived, I didn't do a very good job with coping and it has left me somewhat broken. I remember back in seventh grade it started to catch up with me. I was rocked with stomach pains so severe the only thing I could do was curl up into the fetal position until it finally decided to abate. Anytime I ate I would throw it up, causing me to drastically lose weight. Every single test was taken, including one with a rubber glove, during countless visits to the ER and they all showed nothing physically wrong. Turns out it was all in my head. I found my medication when I was 17 started writing songs, though only a few of them were any good. This is because my thoughts move too fast for me to focus on them, an endless static which kept me from sleeping. This was a both a blessing and a curse.
I took an inordinate amount of pills a few weeks after my 18th birthday hoping to finally free myself from all the things nochild
should have to live with. It didn't work. The next day I moved in my
Mom and I picked up smoking cigarettes shortly after. I've given a lot
of thought as to the reasons I so thoroughly enjoyed something that did
nothing but horrible things to my already damaged body. There are two
things that originally attracted me to it. See, smoking gave me a
reason to leave a crowded room when I became too overwhelmed.
From as far back as I can remember, there's been this darkness inside of me. When I become overwhelmed it takes over and every day is a struggle not to let this happen. Doctors have given it several names. A few of my favorites were bipolar(both 1 & 2), paranoid schizophrenia and manic depression with hypersexuality. I've dealt with it for 25 years now.
The first 18 of which were harrowing and I endured them without the aid of cigarettes, pharmaceuticals or drugs. Now, while I survived, I didn't do a very good job with coping and it has left me somewhat broken. I remember back in seventh grade it started to catch up with me. I was rocked with stomach pains so severe the only thing I could do was curl up into the fetal position until it finally decided to abate. Anytime I ate I would throw it up, causing me to drastically lose weight. Every single test was taken, including one with a rubber glove, during countless visits to the ER and they all showed nothing physically wrong. Turns out it was all in my head. I found my medication when I was 17 started writing songs, though only a few of them were any good. This is because my thoughts move too fast for me to focus on them, an endless static which kept me from sleeping. This was a both a blessing and a curse.
I took an inordinate amount of pills a few weeks after my 18th birthday hoping to finally free myself from all the things no
An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 7
Back in February I applied for a film school in California three
weeks before class started. After I'd already quit my job, it fell
through. When I got off the phone with my financial aid representative,
I was absolutely devastated.
I then called Ana to let her know what was going on. I then told her I had a few other phone calls to make and would talk to her a little later. After I made them I ended up feeling even worse and had to get out of the apartment for awhile.
I climbed in my car, fired it up and turned my music up to a slightly uncomfortable volume.
I then called Ana to let her know what was going on. I then told her I had a few other phone calls to make and would talk to her a little later. After I made them I ended up feeling even worse and had to get out of the apartment for awhile.
I climbed in my car, fired it up and turned my music up to a slightly uncomfortable volume.
An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 6
The storms rage inside. I close my eyes as the force rocks me back
and forth. Images flash just long enough to stir emotions, but not
enough to .
I reach out to touch you, but my fingers find only glass.
I reach out to touch you, but my fingers find only glass.
An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 5
Distance
The simple truth is it's hard to manage things like this long distance and we've got a lot of strikes against us.
Relationships are built upon our senses because they serve as the connections to memories. The only one we've ever experienced is sound. This means we're missing out on all the others The future you and I want so desperately hangs entirely upon words.
We're just lucky that's what I'm best at.
The simple truth is it's hard to manage things like this long distance and we've got a lot of strikes against us.
Relationships are built upon our senses because they serve as the connections to memories. The only one we've ever experienced is sound. This means we're missing out on all the others The future you and I want so desperately hangs entirely upon words.
We're just lucky that's what I'm best at.
An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 4
Outside. Everything is covered with a thick sheet of ice, making
navigation treacherous. Steam is pushed from my mouth in short, rapid
bursts. My wool overcoat rendered ineffective by the chill. Every step
I take comes with images of slipping and cracking my head on the
cement.
I wondered who would find me and what they would do when they did? Hopefully they wouldn't just rob me blind and leave me to freeze over. Out of all of those I care about, who would be
I wondered who would find me and what they would do when they did? Hopefully they wouldn't just rob me blind and leave me to freeze over. Out of all of those I care about, who would be
An unfinished post from Scattered Thoughts # 3
I decided to go for a walk today because the storm left me stuck
inside of my apartment for the better part of three days. If I'm going
out for a stroll I usually prefer any month that isn't winter, but today
the harsh winds reinvigorated my senses. And of course, I slipped deep
into thought.
It's so weird how things play out sometimes. I had originally planned on reflecting on all of the events that had to happen to bring me here, but instead, just like always, my ruminations drifted to you and then there they stayed.
The first time I'd heard mention of you was four years ago, when Mike told me they found my female replacement at the store in SC. He then went on to tell me you and I were perfect for each other. I trusted his judgment and then immediately sought you out on Myspace.
As cliche as it sounds, the breath was stolen from my lungs the instant I saw your picture. Physically, you were everything I could have wanted in a member of the opposite sex. I read up on your interests and blogs only to find out you were also everything I wanted in another human being.
I don't remember how much time had passed but eventually you messaged me. In fact, a lot of our earlier conversations have been lost to time but I do remember what I thought during our first phone call. "This could be it." Then you mentioned your boyfriend and I threw that shit right out the window.
Over the years our lives took us in different directions. You found lovers and I had a few as well. Though, and this is the truth, no matter who I was with I always wished I was the one lucky enough to be laying by your side.
About a year ago you were in the middle of a long, committed relationship and I had just gotten a girlfriend. We lost contact until her and I broke up, but I still thought about you constantly. Even though you and I went for 6 months without any real contact, when we did reconnect it was like no time had passed at all.
This was about the time I started building my website and we grew closer than ever. You were the first person I even showed pictures of it to. I knew you'd understand what I was doing because we've both always understood each other. Not just some superficial level either, I'm talking about the core person we don't let other people see.
The feelings I'd been building for you over the last few years exploded and, again I know I'm being cliche, I've never experienced anything like it before. This time, I didn't want to sabotage or destroy it. Instead, I wanted to appreciate it on whatever level I could have.
I was terrified that day when I told you that day how I felt. It wasn't because I thought you'd reject me, I was already expecting that to be the outcome. I was scared because I didn't want to ruin our friendship or lose you as a result. The only reason I even told you was because I wanted to thank you for giving me that feeling. When you told me to let them go, I was willing to do it just so I could still be in your life.
During the text conversation that night I could feel something in you shift. You were softer with me than you'd ever been before. While I went to bed that night with a new found hope, I tried my best not to let it get too big.
That is until you told me you felt the same way and we never looked back. This month spent with you over text messages has satisfied me more than any of my previous relationships combined. We are able to be completely honest with each other without the repercussions of judgment or shunning.
There are a lot of things about both of our pasts that break my heart knowing we had to experience. I now think we had to go through each and every one of them in order to fit together as perfectly as we do. No matter what's happened over the last 4+ years we've always found a way back to each other. We just weren't ready for it until now.
You're my best friend and confidant. I love you more than I ever thought possible, Ana, and we've still yet to meet face to face. I can promise you this; I will spend every single day loving and appreciating you for the smart, witty, beautiful, geeky, wounded, insightful, eccentric and inspiring person that you are once we finally do.
It's so weird how things play out sometimes. I had originally planned on reflecting on all of the events that had to happen to bring me here, but instead, just like always, my ruminations drifted to you and then there they stayed.
The first time I'd heard mention of you was four years ago, when Mike told me they found my female replacement at the store in SC. He then went on to tell me you and I were perfect for each other. I trusted his judgment and then immediately sought you out on Myspace.
As cliche as it sounds, the breath was stolen from my lungs the instant I saw your picture. Physically, you were everything I could have wanted in a member of the opposite sex. I read up on your interests and blogs only to find out you were also everything I wanted in another human being.
I don't remember how much time had passed but eventually you messaged me. In fact, a lot of our earlier conversations have been lost to time but I do remember what I thought during our first phone call. "This could be it." Then you mentioned your boyfriend and I threw that shit right out the window.
Over the years our lives took us in different directions. You found lovers and I had a few as well. Though, and this is the truth, no matter who I was with I always wished I was the one lucky enough to be laying by your side.
About a year ago you were in the middle of a long, committed relationship and I had just gotten a girlfriend. We lost contact until her and I broke up, but I still thought about you constantly. Even though you and I went for 6 months without any real contact, when we did reconnect it was like no time had passed at all.
This was about the time I started building my website and we grew closer than ever. You were the first person I even showed pictures of it to. I knew you'd understand what I was doing because we've both always understood each other. Not just some superficial level either, I'm talking about the core person we don't let other people see.
The feelings I'd been building for you over the last few years exploded and, again I know I'm being cliche, I've never experienced anything like it before. This time, I didn't want to sabotage or destroy it. Instead, I wanted to appreciate it on whatever level I could have.
I was terrified that day when I told you that day how I felt. It wasn't because I thought you'd reject me, I was already expecting that to be the outcome. I was scared because I didn't want to ruin our friendship or lose you as a result. The only reason I even told you was because I wanted to thank you for giving me that feeling. When you told me to let them go, I was willing to do it just so I could still be in your life.
During the text conversation that night I could feel something in you shift. You were softer with me than you'd ever been before. While I went to bed that night with a new found hope, I tried my best not to let it get too big.
That is until you told me you felt the same way and we never looked back. This month spent with you over text messages has satisfied me more than any of my previous relationships combined. We are able to be completely honest with each other without the repercussions of judgment or shunning.
There are a lot of things about both of our pasts that break my heart knowing we had to experience. I now think we had to go through each and every one of them in order to fit together as perfectly as we do. No matter what's happened over the last 4+ years we've always found a way back to each other. We just weren't ready for it until now.
You're my best friend and confidant. I love you more than I ever thought possible, Ana, and we've still yet to meet face to face. I can promise you this; I will spend every single day loving and appreciating you for the smart, witty, beautiful, geeky, wounded, insightful, eccentric and inspiring person that you are once we finally do.
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